My Greatest Fear…

So for the past few years, I can’t help but feel that despite all the good work I put in for the community, the places I’ve traveled to, and all the things I’ve been able to accomplish, there’s a certain emptiness that has never been filled. Perhaps my greatest flaw is putting the happiness and well being of others before my own, but with little or no regard to that of my own. There’s a certain celebration of my work, my accomplishments, and my ambitions, that I feel can only be greater when it is shared intimately. In a way, like those who were denied a childhood, I have unintentionally denied myself of the happiness that comes with an intimate companion. I may have been too nice that I’ve let that opportunity to have that kind of love go right past me, too many times.

I’m seeing those I care about dearly beginning their lives as partners and/or as parents. No doubt, I am very happy for each and everyone of them, but I say that with contradiction because at the same time, I’m very jealous of that kind of intimate relationship I haven’t been able to experience. Beyond all my ambitions; doctorate degree, traveling the world, ending imperialism, etc., my ultimate ambition is to be happy with my soul mate (whoever she may be) and start a family of my own. And the thought of not attaining that ambition and end up dying alone is my greatest fear. Fuck it if sound all emo and shit, hopefully I can draw strength from this moment of vulnerability.

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3 Responses to “My Greatest Fear…”

  1. hopehustla Says:

    i just added u 🙂

  2. feel you on this… check out coelho’s brida.

  3. mama G Says:

    kasamas never die alone…

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